Networking That Feels Like You
For many women, networking has become one of those professional activities we know we are “supposed” to do, but quietly dread. When I speak to women in my mentoring programmes, or women returning to the workforce after time away, I hear the same themes repeatedly:
“I hate networking.”
“It feels fake.”
“I feel like I have to sell myself.”
“I never know what to say.”
“I leave exhausted.”
And honestly? I understand. For a long time, I also misunderstood what networking was supposed to be. I thought it was fake and performative. Early in my career, when I was fresh out of Uni and started with the Boston Consulting Group, and later as Fonterra’s first Head of Ethics, I thought networking meant working the room, collecting contacts, and being highly visible in ways that did not come naturally to me at all.
But over time, especially after leaving corporate life and building my own not-for-profit and later my own business, I realised that networking is important and has the power to actually change careers, open doors, create collaborations, and build confidence that rarely looks like performance. I realised that networking is about genuine connection, and when you think of it that way, it matters deeply.
Because when networking feels performative, many women disengage from it entirely. Particularly women working in male-dominated environments, women returning to work, women navigating self-doubt, or women who have previously experienced being underestimated or overlooked professionally.
What I have learned from my own experience and from working with thousands of women and men globally in my mentoring and leadership work is that networking becomes significantly easier and more effective when we stop trying to network like someone else.
Instead, we need to network in a way that feels like us.
Cognitive Reframing
This is one of the psychological tools I use extensively in my work. Put simply, the way we frame a situation shapes how we experience it emotionally and behaviourally.
If we frame networking as:
- Self-promotion,
- awkward performance,
- trying to impress strangers,
- performative and fake,
then, of course, it feels uncomfortable.
But if we reframe networking as:
- Learning about humans,
- exploring shared interests,
- building genuine relationships over time,
- making new friends,
- staying curious,
the entire experience changes.
Curiosity, in particular, is incredibly powerful. Research shows that humans respond positively when they sense genuine curiosity from others. This is called the curiosity detector. We are wired to feel safer and more connected when someone is authentically interested in us. This means the best networkers are often not the loudest people in the room. They are often the people who make others feel seen, heard, and interesting. That is a very different skill set, which, importantly, is one many women already possess.
Networking Is Not Just Events
Another misconception is that networking only happens at formal networking events.
In reality, networking happens every time we:
- have a meaningful conversation
- follow up thoughtfully
- volunteer for an opportunity
- ask someone for coffee
- reconnect with an old colleague
- introduce two people
- contribute to a community
- say yes to a conversation we would normally avoid
One of the women in my mentoring programmes once volunteered to take a senior executive around her region when nobody else put their hand up. She was nervous. She did not see herself as naturally confident. But she was prepared, thoughtful, and willing to engage.
That single interaction created visibility, advocacy, and ultimately career opportunities that would never have emerged otherwise. Not because she “networked aggressively”. Because she connected authentically.
Introverts Are Often Better At Networking
This is something I feel strongly about. Many introverts believe they are bad at networking because they associate it with high-energy social performance. But some of the best networkers I know are introverts who listen deeply, ask thoughtful questions, remember details, follow up and as a consequence, build trust slowly and consistently. It is important to realise that introverts often network exceptionally well in smaller, more meaningful interactions rather than large-volume social settings.
This is why I encourage women to stop measuring networking success by:
- how many people they spoke to
- how impressive they sounded
- whether immediate opportunities appeared
Networking is rarely one big moment; it is the slow accumulation of trust.
Women Need Networks, Not Just Performance
One of the most important things I have observed throughout my career is this: Performance matters enormously. But performance alone is rarely enough.
Opportunities, sponsorship, advocacy, visibility, and support all travel through relationships. This is particularly important for women, who are often socialised to believe that excellent work should simply “speak for itself”. Unfortunately, organisational systems are far more human and relational than that.
Networks matter because they:
- create visibility
- provide support during difficult periods
- expose us to opportunities
- strengthen confidence
- expand perspective
- help us learn how others navigate complex environments
- connect us to advocates and sponsors
And perhaps most importantly, they remind us that we are not alone. Some of the most meaningful relationships in my own life and career began with a single coffee, a single conversation, or a moment of curiosity.
In fact, one recent collaboration came about because someone reached out to me after I used their platform to hire my practice manager. One coffee later, we were creating work together.
That is often how networking actually works; it is a quiet, very human activity that builds real connections, something we must protect, especially now.
I want to leave you with my ultimate reframe. Networking is not about becoming someone else. It is about becoming more willing to let people genuinely know who you already are.